Monday, July 26, 2010

Horrible Dare Challenge: L.A. Candy

HAI!!!!1!!!11!!!! omg u guyz i just red teh most awesome book!!! la candy bai lauren conrad wuz so kewl. its all about jane & scarlett & how they become REALITY STARZ!!!1!
they move 2 la cuz scarlett is in coleg & jane is intern who halps plan partys 4 selebritys! & they go 2 this club & meet this produser & he wants them 4 his new show la candy & theres 2 other gurls madison & gaby. & then its all liek kafka & baudrillard cuz u not noes wuts reel & wut isnt liek teh produsers mak all this stuff up! liek this hot guy asks jane out & she tinks omg maybe teh produsers asks him 2 do this 4 teh show! & scarlett sees there poster & is liek omg its liek teh pretend us r lukin down at teh reel us omg! & iz liek teh fake world is moar reel! cuz wen u tinks bout it perez hilton > cnn cuz who cares bout teh pplz gettin blowed up in irakistan. but we still not noes wut happens cuz teh produsers plan evryting behind teh seens liek teh produser not lieks janes other boyfriend braden & wants to end there relashunship cuz iz bad 4 teh show. teh produser is like omg he cant be part of janes reality & then jane dates this famus playa and hez like omg this cudnt be better if i rites it myself.i noes this sownds rly nitemary liek jane & scarlett r trapt in matrix w/invizibl pupetmastr controlin them & invisibl eyez wachin them but iz rly not cuz they getz in 2 all these clubz and they getz new cloths and new partment from teh show cuz tat maks them kewler & iz liek teh fake world > teh reel world so who wants to lives in teh reel world cuz iz so boring &

Leech! Parasite! Profiteering, neo-colonialist exploiter of the Third World worker! Hi everybody. I'm Karega and this is Joe.

omg! ur ruinin my review!!!11! GO AWAY!!1!11eleventyone!!!!!!

No! We're here on behalf of the little guys the ones who work in the factories who put together your handbags and shoes like the Carthaginian slaves who were blinded by the great lords to guard their treasure stores and the Egyptian slaves tens and thousands of them who died building the pyramids.


Indeed, that is the crux of the matter from the ancient days to the violence and corruption of our times. History should be about those whose sweat and toil changed the course of the world! But how did it come about that the non-producing few are those whom we worship as the gods of the system? How can that be when there are those who labor twenty-four hours a day for these very same gods? And how can it be that, despite their work, these very same labourers go without food to feed their children and clothes to warm them at night against the cold winds from the north? That, my friends, is history's universal question, and it is only be deciphering what came before us that we can arrive at a true vision of the future, one where men and women can find joy and happiness in creative labour.


Remember this. Remember this you famewhores you spawners of lame trends you opiate of the people. Remember this like you have never remembered anything else in your lives. You want reality I'll give you reality how's this for reality: I have no voice to yell no legs to run no eyes to see no -

creepypasta yay! omg did u hear teh 1 about teh babysiter & she calld teh parints & wuz liek lol wut is tat creepy statue in ur yard & they were liek omg we not haz statue omg call 911

Never mind, Joe, the burden of the Truth is always upon the masses. One day we shall rise and take back what is ours. Then, only then, will the log fall from their eyes.

I just don't understand. I was hurt in the head real bad and I'm not nearly this stupid! How . . . how can this be?

ur meen i dont liek u

Oh Chrissake. Karega you have arms: GET YOUR GUN AND SHOOT HER!

What! You have no face and no limbs and you still think you can give orders to the black man! Well, let me tell you -

ooooooh luk! a clowd tat luks liek a powder puff!

Look this is all I want. Take me wherever there are parliaments and diets and congresses and chambers of statesmen. I want to be there when -

u wants publicity? i noes ppl who can halp. maybe u not haz such boring reality show after all. omg i just remberd my gurl paris met michael moore at teh kans film festivle & he wud totally liek u.


Don't listen to her!

& cindy sheehan 2! omg this will be so kewl lemme call my agent.

I am physically incapable of signing a release form. Can we make other legal arrangements?

I knew it. I knew something like this would happen. You white folks originated this system and you're all corrupted beyond hope, no matter who you are! You have no souls. You take and take and take and there's no end to it! You round-bellied jiggers and bedbugs with cannibalism as your highest goal! And for the love of Mwathi, why can't you two use commas?



The Horrible Dare Challenge is hosted by Rayche and TY. The three following Horrible Books must be read and reviewed (snarkily) by September 21, 2010:

L.A. Candy by Lauren Conrad
Hush, Hush by Rebecca Fitzpatrick
Shiver by Maggie Stiefvater

Extra credit: One Danielle Steele novel Glenn Beck's The Christmas Sweater

Coming Up: Joe and Karega review Shiver. I have other plans, glorious plans, for Hush, Hush.


Emily said...

Haha whoa. Congratulations! You broke my brain. Also, points for probably the most disconcerting Baudrillard reference I've ever seen. :-)

Eileen said...

At one point Jane's says to her boyfriend, "Yeah, no date in L.A. is complete without awkwardly waiting for cameras to film you getting into a car." And I was like, wow, this book is exactly what Baudrillard was talking about with his theory of third-order simulacra! Plus, the way the producers manipulate the girls' "reality" is rather reminiscent of Kafka's conception of humans being caught up in the mechanisms of invisible forces (i.e. bureaucracy) that operate under their own laws for their own ends.

And then I remembered I was reading a novel by Lauren Conrad.

Unknown said...

LOL! Oh, if only I hadn't already written a snarky review of Hush, Hush ... I have the sequel though (not sure why they sent me that) so I'm sure another snarky review is forthcoming.

I'm finding the notion of a novel written by Lauren Conrad disturbing ...

Eileen said...

I have no doubt this book was ghostwritten and Conrad's name slapped on it for famewhore purposes.

Anonymous said...

It took a lot of trouble from me to try and read the weird teenage-purple writing. I think we all got the message of how much you disliked this book though ;)

JoAnn said...

OMG!!! Hope you recover soon... ;-)

Eileen said...

Iris: I felt that the horribleness of this book already spoke for itself so I decided irony was in order.

JoAnn: Actually, this was a lot of fun to write. Getting Joe and Karega down was hard, though. I had to keep re-reading Petals of Blood and Johnny Got His Gun. (And I have to say, I'm rather disappointed no angry hippie/Lefty has whined at me for making fun of "teh gratest antiwar novel evah omg!!!1!)

raych said...

LOLWUT is right. Also, Lauren Conrad + third-order simulacra = one of the Four Horsemen, I'm almost certain.


Jessica said...

hahaha thank you for reading this so I dont have to ;) loved the text speak

claire said...

MAJOR LOL! Thanks for the trip! And what? Your library carries this but not A Personal Matter.. hunh.

Eileen said...

raych: I think whoever wrote the Book of Revelations was on some serious drugs. As are most people in Hollywood, incidentally.

Jessica: Well then, you need to repay the favor: read and review a horrible books so I don't have to!

Claire: Actually, my library and our inter-library system do have quite a few Oe books, just not that particular one. And a whole lot of crap, as you can see.

Isabella K said...

Make it stop! Thanks for reading this book so I don't have to.

Eileen said...

I am assigning you and Jessica the upcoming sequel to L.A. Candy, entitled Spice. All you need to know is this: Jane and Scarlett have been BFF's for years, Gaby's an airhead, Madison is a rich bitch, and Diego has "Asian-looking features."

Oh, and re: my comment to Caitlin above - I think Conrad definitely developed the story and maybe did some writing, but overall there was definitely a ghostwriter who did all the heavy lifting.

Anonymous said...

U r brilliant!

But I feel kinda bad I can't make my comment all sparkly.

Eileen said...

I found this Photobucket page full of animated gifs. Since I neglected to credit it in the post, here it is. Enjoy!

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